I didn't start the day off with hope.
I started it wishing something catastrophic would happen—something that would take me out of the game of life, either permanently or at least for an extended period of time.
In nearly every direction I saw stress, hardship, hurt, disappointment, and frustration. And since I couldn't extend the weekend to process it all, the best solution I could think of was sudden removal from the rhythms of life.
Thank God He's more creative than me and always has a better plan when it comes to problem solving.
Operation: Sleep It Off
I spent my morning venting to Him about my feelings and, in between vents, taking short naps I thought would magically change my life.
"Maybe if I go back to sleep and try this again, things will be different when I wake up."
Three cycles of this I tried. Yet every time I woke, the weight of reality was still roaring its bleak tale.
Operation: Sleep It Off? #Fail
By this point I'd ignored the world for as long as I could. Morning was passing the baton to noon and I couldn't continue this cycle any longer.
"Alright Kandis, get it together."
Now came the joy of figuring out how to actually function with this immovable weight.
Going Through the Motions
I should journal.
I should read my daily devotion.
I should pray.
I should read my Bible.
I should vent to God my raw emotions.
I trudged through each of these efforts like a slug in sludge.
My words felt inadequate as I journaled.
My daily devotion didn't meet my current need.
My Bible spoke on a topic I didn't think applied.
My vent led to further frustration.
Nothing was fixing anything and I was running out of healthy options.
The Last Effort
I decided to make one last effort to try and swing this mood of mine—sing songs proclaiming the exact opposite emotions I felt.
Songs of gratitude.
Songs that told me God was with me and fighting for me.
Songs that spoke life and hope.
Songs that reminded me of the blood and cross of Jesus Christ.
It took me a couple hours of listening and singing, but I eventually got there. I got to a place of hope. I got to a place of rest. I got to a place of joy and renewed strength.
Choosing to Surrender When Everything Screams "Control"
The peace I eventually found that day didn't wake up with me that morning. It didn't greet me with the sun and offer to stay with me throughout the day. No, it was given as a gift from the One I intentionally chose to delight myself in, even when my world told me not to.
This is what surrender actually looks like.
Not a peaceful, serene moment of ease. But a fight. A choice. A decision to release your grip on the weight you're carrying—even when every part of you wants to hold on tighter, run away, or shut down completely.
I am convinced there is absolutely no denying the power of praise, the power of setting our minds on things above, and the power of surrendering our burdened hearts to a loving Savior.
Jesus rescued me when I wanted to welcome destruction as a means to an end. I'm so grateful He had a better way to get me back in the game of life—a way that didn't involve an extended stay at the hospital or a permanent one in the graveyard.
The Daily Return to Open Hands
Some days, surrender feels natural. Other days, it feels impossible.
On the impossible days, we have to choose it anyway. We have to sing when we don't feel like singing. We have to release our grip when every instinct tells us to hold tighter. We have to trust when trust feels foolish.
There's safety in surrender—even on the days when it doesn't feel safe at all.
This is the daily practice. The daily return to open hands. The choice to stop gripping and start living, even when gripping feels like the only option.
Have you ever had a turnaround day like this? What helps you get to a better place when everything feels heavy?
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